Fitness - If it came in a bottle, everybody would have a great body.

I know I know...

2006-05-09T16:20:00.000-06:00

I haven't blogged in a long time. Life has been pretty hectic. So let me catch you all up.

We got out boat and took it out for the first time last weekend. It was AWESOME, had a blast, and can't wait to do some more sailing. Now, if the rainy weather would just cooperate.

The next big news in my life. I have handed in my notice at the Library. I finish up with them June 2nd.

Because....

I GOT THAT JOB!!!

I start as Supervisor for Client Services on June 5th. YEAH BABY!!!!

I am so exited I simply cannot wait! This is going to make a big difference in our lives. Not only a huge opportunity with lots of potential.. but pay wise. oh lordie. I hate to mention actual $$ - but my starting wage will be $72,471 per year and going up to 78400 after my 6 month probation. What a difference this will make to us in being able to pay off some debts!

Today, I was speaking to the gentleman that will be my supervisor, and he enquired what my cell phone option would be. I'll be getting a Blackberry - paid for by them - to use. This means I can also cancel my cell plan (which I only have in cacse of emergencies and use very rarely). There's even an extra $60 a month right there!

This is just such a great thing, we're months behind in bills and the thought of being finally able to catch up and even be able to start to pay them off and get rid of them completely makes me so happy I could just cry.

This is when I usually say FUCK IT!

2006-04-01T08:17:00.000-07:00

Week 1 over. Good eating, no cheating, drinking water, no workouts missed so how did I do?

I gained half a pound and all my measurements went up.

THIS is why I have had so many problems sticking to the program lately.

Aileen's book review #1.

2006-03-30T08:41:00.000-07:00

Working in a library, gives me a lot of access to really great books. I can tell you, when boxes of books are delivered into our area it almost feels like Christmas except you don't get to take the presents home.

So, on a regular basis, I have decided to do a book review and let you know of some great books that are worth a read.

Non-Fiction

Marley and me : love, life, and drywall repair with the world's worst dog

Anyone that has a pet or loves animals is going to simply love this book. It will make you laugh, cry and every emotion in between. It has been on the Globe & Mail and the Macleans top 10 best seller list for weeks.

Book Summary: Is it possible for humans to discover the key to happiness through a bigger-than-life, bad-boy dog? Just ask the Grogans. John and Jenny were just beginning their life together. They were young and in love, with not a care in the world. Then they brought home Marley, a wiggly yellow furball of a puppy. Life would never be the same.

Marley grew into a barreling, ninety-seven-pound streamroller of a Labrador retriever. He crashed through screen doors, gouged through drywall, and stole women's undergarments. Obedience school did no good -- Marley was expelled. But just as Marley joyfully refused any limits on his behavior, his love and loyalty were boundless, too. Marley remained a model of devotion, even when his family was at its wit's end. Unconditional love, they would learn, comes in many forms. Marley & Me is John Grogan's funny, unforgettable tribute to this wonderful, wildly neurotic Lab and the meaning he brought to their lives.

**************

Children's Book

The Diary of a spider

This book is simply delightful! A young spider discovers, day by day, that there is a lot to learn about being a spider, including how to spin webs and avoid vacuum cleaners.

There is a lot of dry humor which parents and kids will love. During school they learn the "stop drop and roll" technique to avoid being sucked up! Or another time when the spider takes his molted skin to school for show and tell.

A definate must read for the kid in all of us, this would be a book that parents and children would treasure for years.

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Adult Fiction

The Fifth Angel - Tim Green.

Enter protagonist lawyer Jack Ruskin with deep seated anger and revenge on his mind. Out on his personal mission of avenging the emotional loss of a daughter who was raped as a child and is spending her days, heavily medicated, in an asylum. His goal: to rid the world of convicted pedofiles who he is convinced cannot be rehabilitated and if given the chance will continue to commit crimes against children.

The book does a wonderful job of exploring the ever age question of good versus evil and right versus wrong. Even though Jack is the 'bad' guy he is also the hero and you find yourself cheering on the side of this avenging angel serial killer.

Two days in a row..

2006-03-29T08:29:00.000-07:00

Now that's what I'm talking about!

This morning was legs and abs - and I got up early and did both. Two actual days in a row, so I am happy with myself today.

It's amazing when you are happy with yourself how it just reflects in how you prepare yourself. I take more time to get ready for work. More care with my hair, clothes and make up. Today I worse my hipster black pants, a pink turtle neck, and one of those really loose knit black bolaro jackets that have one button in the front.

It felt good.

How's everyone elses Bikini Challenge going!?

I did it!

2006-03-28T06:21:00.000-07:00

I got out of bed early this morning and did my cardio. YAY thank god.

I also took my measurements to keep track of.

Weight: 130 lbs
Chest: 35 inches
waist: 27.75 inches
hips: 37.75 inches
butt: 41.75 inches
thigh: 22.75 inches

Long way to go and a lot of work ahead of me. I'll update more later - time to get showered and get ready for work. Blah.

Happiness is a pet that loves you.

2006-03-26T19:51:00.000-07:00

Everybody, meet Harley. He's a bit of a goof as you can see. He likes to lie like that and then look at us to make sure we are paying attention to how cute he is trying to be.

I am starting at it again tomorrow. Hopefully I can get out of bed tomorrow morning lol.

Today we drove to Edmonton and back in a day. It was a 5.5 hour drive there because of all the slush on the highway - and a 4 hour drive home. I'm BEAT. BUT!! We put a deposit on a second hand catamaran. We are going to pick it up in Easter after I get the tow hitch put on my car.

Here are some images to share:

I'm still here!

2006-03-21T18:55:00.000-07:00

Just for an update, I'm still here! Feeling bit better - been too busy with work to be otherwise.

I haven't started working out again yet - I plan to start on Sunday. I had to work last Sunday so this will be a 6 day week for me. Today I went and bought a new shirt, some new makeup etc. and I plan on getting my hair done again soon. I am thinking perhaps if I can do some routine beauty maintenance my attitude will spin around. I need to feel better to start taking care of myself, but I need to get there first. It IS a vicious circle.

I also have applied for a new job. There is a great opportunity offered with the local government that pays at LEAST an extra $20K per year. That's a lot of money and I believe have a pretty good chance of getting this new position.

Another reason why I need to start taking more care with how I look. I would NOT want to have to do a job interview looking as frumpy and messy as I do now. And before you say I don't - I DO! I haven't been taking care of how I look or dress, and it adds about 10 years onto your appearance.

If I get this new job, I don't want to have to invest in new work clothes that are going to be a size 12/14.

Thank you to everyone for your kind words and support. It means more than you can know to have support from great people such as yourselves. Just knowing I have people that care enough about how I am doing to keep at me and get me going again means more than I can put into words.

Love you all.

I just don't know what to do..

2006-03-18T16:58:00.000-07:00

Well, actually I do know what I have to do, but I just don't seem able to do it.

I eat junk every day, my weight's sored up to over 135lbs, we have pizza and wings on the way now. My depression and laziness is just over the top. I'm SO lazy, it's not funny. I was brushing my teeth today, and grabbed some floss to do the daily floss, did two teeth and then was even too lazy to do anymore.

I want to work out - I really do, I hate being like this. I just find it hard to get motivated to do anything at the moment. Heck the house looks like a pigsty, I barely leave the couch.

What I find really scary lately though, is the urges I have been having to cut myself again. Now, don't scream, I haven't done it and don't plan to - but the urges are there again. It's just like an urge to eat chocolate. It's wierd and hard to describe. There is no way I am going to let myself do it, but I think about it again.

My diet consists of MacDonalds for breakfast and two blocks of chocolate for lunch with more coffee - then dinner usually take out, or more chocolate on the way home.

I'm just on a huge downward spiral again and at this rate I'm going to be over 150lbs in no time soon. I can't say I dont know what to do, because I do know. I just don't know how to kick myself out of this depressive cycle to be able to pull myself off the couch to be able to do it.

What a pig!

2006-03-11T15:55:00.000-07:00

:P We went out for Matt's mother's 50th birthday last night.

Her husband rented an entire room in a resteraunt for the 5 of us - preordered wine, cake, etc. The food was phenomenal - but the piece de resitance was the cake.

The name of the cake, was 'Chocolate Suicide'. The waitress had toruble carrying it.
I definately induldged lol

As soon as I get the photo's I'll share. The thing was so big that the slices were served on dinner plates.

Still working away..

2006-03-09T07:58:00.000-07:00

Well I am still sticking with it. While everything has been 100% it is still definately 200% better than what I was doing. I need to get my water intake up a fair bit, and focus more during my cardio - but other than that things are ok.

I hvaen't dropped much in weight or measurements which is frustrating, but I know if I keep with it then all the fat will eventually have to drop off.

I will have to take my free meal tomorrow night - we are going out to a nice Italian resteraunt for Matt's mother's 50th birthday. I definately plan on eating drinking and being very merry!

************************

I have been looking at myself closely in the mirror lately, and doing some hard thinking. When I read people's blogs, and after reading Lisa's post the other day, on why when we work so hard are we just not happy with what we accomplish.

Yes, when I was 10 lbs lighter, I was still not happy and always seeing the negative etc and seeing things I needed to change.

Do you know what I see now when I look at myself?

A 33 year old woman, who really doesn't look too damn bad for her age. Yeah I could still improve and I will strive to continue to improve. But you know what? I'm happy with how I look. For the first time in 20 years I have looked in the mirror and not thought I was fat. I'm no longer worried if my eating isn't so squeaky clean that it would make most people cry. I'm happy, and I am healthy, and I am an attractive woman.

This might change as my mood swings around again - lol- as it often does, but it is just so nice not to be obsessed about it at this point in time.

*******************

Change in subject again - I worked my arms out so hard this morning, i was unable to tweeze the few stray hairs in my eyebrows this morning. My arms were shaking THAT bad. I tried leaning my elbow on the counter for stability. Nope. Tried leaning and holding my forearm steading with the other hand - well that just made it worse lol. So here I am typing with eyebrows that need tweezing and unable to do it because of BFL.

DAMN YOU BFL! You are giving me hairy eyebrows!

******************

Update on the sailing stuff - we have been in contact with Glenmore Sailboats in Calgary. They have a 80's 15 foot SeaSpray Catamaran available for about $1,600. They will be sending us actual photos of it sometime today apparently.

We're thinking og putting half of the amount on it as a deposit, and then when we head down that way in April taking a look and possibly picking it up at that time.

Here are some SeaSpray photos to enjoy..

Our dreams are coming closer!

I just don't have anything to say really...

2006-03-06T18:25:00.000-07:00

Which is why I haven't been posting.

My eating is ok - my workouts are ok - a few slipups but I'm still in there. Dropped a couple of lbs.

I actually slept in again this morning, so bought the bike down to the living room this evening and did my cardio while Matt was watching Jeopardy.

I started tanning again and that has made a difference to how I look. Tan always looks thinner. Sucks don't it! I'm having a really hard time waking up in the mornings. I hit snooze lately for over an hour.

Week2 and going strong

2006-02-26T09:43:00.000-07:00

It's the second week and I got out of bed Sunday morning to do legs.

After I weighed and measured myself yesterday, I realised I didn't really work as hard as I could have in some aspects of my workout in week 1 so this morning I took it up a notch. Needless to say - I have jelly legs now - WOOOHOO gotta love jelly legs!

I knew I wasn't working hard enough by the results after my first week. I only lost 2.5 lbs (and the first week is usually a lot more so I have to be a bit more strict in the diet area also) and I didn't lose anything up top. the first place I lose inches is in the boobs and they didn't budge. My butt and hips did go down 3/4 of an an inch though and my thighs didn't move either.

So in the words of Emeril - time to take it up a notch!! BA BAM!

Anyway - I am glad to see Rod and the little cow using blogger :) I miss talking to you guys and I don't post on tracker anymore. I log on occasionally to read everyone's progress but that place really isn't the same as it used to be. I just don't like nastiness in a place that is suppose to be encouraging and supportive.

OO the microwave just beeped - oatmeal ready!

This morning's breakfast is plain reduced sugar oatmeal - skim milk and chocolate protein powder all mixed together. Chocolate oatmeal - hmmmmmmmmmm. :)

On a completely different note, Matt and I have been discussing a buying a sailboat recently. Nothing HUGE - but in a few years we are thinking of getting a 26 foot MacGregor.

You can pick one up second hand for about $20,000 or less.

There is a lake near here that we could leave it moored at for the summer, and then head out there on weekends and just stay on the boat like a camping trip.

Summer vacations would be taken care of - these boats are trailable so we could just hook it up and head so a different lake for a week or two.

Here are some pictures of what a MacGregor looks like (just found these on the web). This is a from a used boat for sale for about 19 grand (including trailer).

Couldn't you just imagine spending a week travelling around the lakes in something like this?

Our timeline is getting it ini about 2-3 years - in the meantime, we will be getting something like a Hobie 18 - a cheaper sailboat with no cabin to use on the lake to learn and get experience on.

The Hobie is a catamarain and they can be bought second hand for under $2000. Take a look!

Friday friday friday!

2006-02-24T09:59:00.000-07:00

I would have to say that Friday would have to be the best day of the week.

The ultimate would have to be 5pm Friday afternoon. You just get home from work, just got changed into your vegging around the house clothes, settling on the couch and deciding the plans for the weekend. You have the entire weekend ahead of you and it feels great.

Saturday morning the feeling continues (depending on the amount of housework needed), and all the fun things happen on Saturday and Saturday night.

Sunday morning isn't so crash hot - for one, you just this time tomorrow you will be back at work - Sunday afternoon goes part way too quickly, and you can't even make big plans for the evening since you know work is looming the next morning. The more active your Sunday is, the quicker it passes and the quicker Monday morning seems to come.

Sunday night - BAH - just sucks. Sitting on the couch in the evening watching a movie, or the news, thinking crap I have to go to work soon - tomorrows Monday.

And well, then we all know how sucky Monday morning is!

Blame Teresa for this one!

2006-02-21T20:22:00.000-07:00

Your Hidden Talent

Your natural talent is interpersonal relations and dealing with people.
You communicate well and are able to bring disparate groups together.
Your calming presence helps everything go more smoothly.
People crave your praise and complements.

What's Your Hidden Talent?

worked out again today - 3 days in a row! boooyeah!

Currently I'm updating my workout music - please feel free to post suggestions - I need ideas!

Listening to Gwen Stefani atm - naa naaa naaa naaa naa na naa naa aaaaaaa naaa naa na naaa na naaa
If I was a rich girl nanananananannana say I'd have all the money in the world if I was a wealthy girl...

*Puts her hands behind her head - Shakes her ass and dances around the room*

Insert title here..

2006-02-20T13:11:00.000-07:00

Well, day 2, I did my HIIT this morning, and went out and restocked the grocery supply with things other than junk food today. Got a bunch of stuff packed ready to take to work tomorrow.

I just wanted to make a comment about Jess' latest pictures. You are right, where HAVE your hips gone? :D You are looking amazing and making changes every time you post a picture. I am so proud of what you have accomplished. You look amazing and will only look even MORE amazing I am sure in the future.

On another note - my finger was poised above the delete tracker profile button for a long time last night. I don't like the tracker forums anymore. It's no longer a place of fun, laughter and support. It's just one giant bitch fest.

I don't like the new R-Rated forum. While yes, I think people should be able to say what they think - they SHOULD be able to say what they think without fear of persecution from other members on the site. What happened to the support?

The only reason I haven't deleted my profile is because I have a lot of work invested in it. But you will no longer see me posting and rarely visiting that site.

It has degenerated into one of THE worst fitness forums I have seen to date.

ADDITION:

Just been reading Lisa's blog and have to do it again - it's all YOUR fault :P

Your Candy Heart Says "Get Real"

You're a bit of a cynic when it comes to love.
You don't lose your head, and hardly anyone penetrates your heart.

Your ideal Valentine's Day date: is all about the person you're seeing (with no mentions of v-day!)

Your flirting style: honest and even slightly sarcastic

What turns you off: romantic expectations and "greeting card" holidays

Why you're hot: you don't just play hard to get - you are hard to get

What Does Your Candy Heart Say?

Your Stripper Song Is

Dirrty by Christina Aguelera

"Too dirrty to clean my act up
If you ain't dirrty
You ain't here to party"

You're so dirty, you make Christina look clean.

What Song Should You Strip To?

Your Eyes Should Be Brown

Your eyes reflect: Depth and wisdom

What's hidden behind your eyes: A tender heart

What Color Should Your Eyes Be?

my eyes ARE brown :P

Your Seduction Style: The Charmer

You're a master at intimate conversation and verbal enticement.

You seduce with words, by getting people to open up to you.

By establishing this deep connection quickly, people feel under your power.

And then you've got them exactly where you want them!

What Is Your Seduction Style?

Time to fess up..

2006-02-19T15:24:00.000-07:00

I've been baaaaaaaaaaaaadd!

Thanks for nagging at me to post again - getting those little messages appearing in my email help motivate me to dust myself and try again.

Anyway, I did get sick with the flu - for about 2.5 weeks. I was falling asleep at 8pm and waking up at 7.30 to get to work by 8.30. so needless to say the workouts went bust. And then of course the food went bad too.

My diet for the last few weeks have consisted of breakfast burritos and chocolate. And a LOT of it. I'm talking 4/5 blocks (not bars BLOCKS) every afternoon.

However today, since it is a long weekend, I have two days to sleep in AND workout - I started eating clean, but ate another block of chocolate after Matt and I had a bit of a tiff. So much for good eating today.

I also went shopping and bought some new pants. Nothing I have fits me anymore. this is what the tiff was with Matt about - he was mad I went out and spent some of our money on clothes. We're still sitting in an awkard silence.

I had a bit of an argument with my boss about it who chewed me out about not appearing 'neat and professional' at work. Basically, nothing fits me or sit since anymore, so Ive been wearing older clothes to work. But then, she also made a fat joke at me too so she's not my favourite person

To say I've been depressed is a bit of an understatement. I had had a haircut since September last year, and since the hairs just a moppy mess at the moment, I had a bit of a fit and chopped it all off myself with a pair of sissors. And well we can certainly say no one said "nice haircut" when I went to work the next day.

However on a positive note, I have some photos of my workout room to show everyone. So, here goes nothing.

Laziness is a beautiful thing...

2006-01-18T07:04:00.000-07:00

Ahh yes, it all boils down to the home gym again.

Lately I have been really tired in the mornings. Not just that 'I don't want to get up early to workout tired', but the 'OMG do I have to get out of bed today and drag myself to work' tired. You know the tired I mean.

Anyway, the freedom my home gym has given me is awesome. Prior to having it, I HAD to work out in the mornings. I knew always in my heart that if I did not then I would skip my workouts. Mostly because when I finish work at the end of the day, all I want to do is go home.

Well, now I can skip my workouts in the morning if I have to, and workout in the evenings! Booyeah. And I am still at home. Yesterday I slept in, and did a great leg workout when I got home. This morning I slept in also, and I plan on doing my cardio as soon as I get home this afternoon.

Oh the feeling of liberation!!!

Scary morning.

2006-01-15T15:25:00.000-07:00

This morning I had a nice sleep in and woke up ready to do my arm workout.

I was going to have my energy drink as normal before hand and water to get me ready. Well, OH MY GOD - I had an allergic reaction to it. Liquid Amp'd.

I took my dose, like I have dozens of times before and immediately I felt hot - BURNING hot. I felt like my face and lips were on fire - like I'd been in a tanning booth for hours on end with nothing covering my face. My heart started to race, I had the shakes severely and I felt like I was burning.

I checked my neck and compared my body in case it was just a fever, but no, my face and neck were beet red like I had been in the sun for hours. I started to panic and went upstairs to grab Matt. We put a cool facecloth on my face and I pay down with some water and toast. We were going to go to the emergency room, but the cool compress was working and it started to cool me down. If I started to feel worse instead of better at any time we were ready to go, but everything settled down.

I threw away my entire new bottle of Liquid Amp'd and will NEVER touch the stuff again. Needless to say, I missed my workout this morning, and all I have to eat today now is a few pieces of toast and a banana not long ago as I'm starting to feel more steady.

I'm also pissed that now the weekends almost over and I spent most of the day lying with a cold compress and a severe case of the shakes.

I discovered muscles I never knew I had.

2006-01-14T09:11:00.000-07:00

First let us start with the weekly update. All good this week. Lost another 2 lbs, dropping more inches, all that good stuff.

And once again, this shows how pathetically stupid the YMCA body fat calculator formula is.

Now I can accept the fact I would have dropped a bit of body fat. That's the goal. But 12.6% in one week? Oh yeah, their method is reaaaaaaaaaaally accurate.

Anyway onto why I have sore muscles. We went skiing last night. This is my third time and I'm making progress. This time, I actually managed to get down the hill once unassisted all by myself. I was pretty happy about that.

However, since I'm cutting across the hills so much to go slow, I do about 50 times the normal length of the hill. Add to that I am doing the 'snow plow' the entire time, and that is a really hard 4 hour leg workout I did.

The snowplow for those whohaven't skiied is this. You put your legs in a wide stance and point the tips if your skiis together and the backs far apart. Pizza slice shaped. Your knees go over your toes so you are permamently in a semi-squat. Then to slow down, you push the inside edge of the skiis into the snow constantly working the inside of your legs. When you turn, you lean on other different edges working outter thigh, inner thing, glutes, top of your butt, you name it. All of this in a semi-squat and for hours at a time.

The only reason we stopped is because my legs were shaking so bad I didn't have any more energy in them to do anything and was starting to go all over the place on the hill. Today, I can feel every single muscle in my body I swear lol.

The reason we decided to do Friday night skiing was because a day pass to the hill is $27. Half a day is $24. Friday nights - $10. Since I cannot go for hours on end yet, a whole day, or even half a day is a waste of money. It's less crowded at night, and a good time to practice. So Matt said after we finished that a good idea would be to go EVERY FRIDAY since it is so cheap and it would be good practice for me.

If we go every Friday for a month, I am going to have legs and bunns of steel my friends. But, Matt said as I continue to improve and don't have to "snowplow" and cut across the hills as much, I won't expend as much energy trying to get down even once and will be able to ski for longer.

Haven't blogged much lately...

2006-01-13T09:40:00.000-07:00

But I've been doing good. Everything is seeming to fit better, and I haven't missed a single workout. Eating this week wasn't 100% - I had two chocolate bars one day - but in my defence I believe they were necessary. I was feeling positively ill, shakey, and really off, with huge sugar cravings.

Soon as I had my candy, my body started cooperating. So I've revamped my diet a bit to make sure I am getting everything I need.

I really haven't written much lately cause nothign exciting is happening in my life. Matt's still not really interested in committing to a future together, and while I am not ok with that - I can leave it alone for now. It really bugs me a lot of the time. The mortgage is my name alone, all the bills are in my name alone - he's actually not tied to me or our home in anyway. He could walkout tomorrow and leave me high and dry. I don't think he would, but some sort of commitment from him towards our future together would be nice.

I guess I have to get used to the fact that is not going to happen. That living this way is what he wants and the possibility I might be alone later in life is extremely high. We do have a great relationship now though, so forcing him into something would just make things worse.

i want him to marry me because he wants to, not because I pressure him into it.

On another note, something that I find upsetting, is that his ex-wife was a real bitch. She was mean, nasty and in general, not a nice person. That's her personality. And he wanted to marry her that way. So why not me? I'm not mean or nasty, but he would have rather married a complete bitch that someone that really loves him and would do anything for him.

It's just so confusing sometimes.

Awesome free day.

2006-01-08T11:56:00.000-07:00

I took my free day yesterday. I had a healthy breakfast, lunch was free, hashbrowns eggs and buttered toast. Then for dinner was pork chops with cream mushroom sauce, peas and mashed potatoes.

It was so yummy, but all in all I didn't go overboard like I have before so I am very happy about that.

This morning, I slept in. Woke up about 10.30 am and then rocked into the spare room did my leg workout and a light 20 minute cycle while watching a documentary on IFC. :D God I love having a home gym!

Successful week 1.

2006-01-07T08:43:00.000-07:00

Well week 1 is done and 3 lbs are gone. Measurements went down, so all is looking good.

I took my measurements a day earlier than I planned - I forgot I wanted to do my challenges with free day on Saturday instead of Sunday. Now I can with my home gym - I'm no longer limited to what the hours of the gym are.

Saturday for me, is a much better free day since we usually go out and do things with friends on a Saturday if we do anything.

First meal today though was still healthy. I had my oatlmeal with protein powder and skim milk - water and a cup of green tea.

Matt is good to me. Last night I had huge junk food cravings and Matt had a big bag of kettle chips. Hmmm yumm. I whined, to help me not eat junk he just flat out refused. Because of HIS willpower for me, I stuck to my diet and didn't cave in.

I'm very glad I am leaving work early today.

2006-01-06T11:38:00.000-07:00

Since I have to work tomorrow, I decided to take a few hours off this afternoon and leave an 1. I am glad I did.

At the library, I worked on a project to change our security system over to radio frequency tags. Now every book has a radio frequency tag in it. It was a huge project that cost a lot of money. Anywhooo, part of the wonders of radio frequency is being able to scan the book shelves for items. This is great to check if the books are in dewey order on the shelves.

Now, the fragile handheld scanner with the software used to do this scanning cost $16,200. It's a LOT of money to anyone, and especially to a public library. We don't make any money, so everythign has to come through donations and fundrasing.

This morning I was updating the information on the Compact Flash card that goes into the card reader, and went to the Ciruclation Desk to grab it. Pulled it out of the case, and the anntannae fell off. SOMEON BROKE THE FUCKING THING AND DIDN'T TELL ANYONE!!

I have no idea who or how, or even if they noticed or not. But I am pissed. VERY PISSED. I told the staff that use it, that it was a fragile piece of equipment, and I even told them how much it cost so they would realise OK, this is something I really need to be careful with.

But were they? NO!

FUCK FUCK FUCK!

And do you know how long I had that thing working? A grand total of 1 month.

Yessiree, 1 month. They used it for a month before rendering it completely useless. We can't afford to head out and buy another scanner. We haven't got a spare 16 grand in the budget to replace these things every time someone has decided to slam it onto the desk a bit hard, or drop it on the floor.

My boss is going to spit chips when she gets back from vacation. I'm spitting chips now myself. Thank god I decided to take this afternoon off. I get to go home in an hour, and I'm going to watch a movie and ride my new exercise bike.

EDIT: On a positive note, I used that link that someone put in tracker and made my own motivational picture for my desktop wallpaper on my laptop. Waddayathink?

Ok, well maybe Billy Blanks isn't ALL that bad.

2006-01-05T08:55:00.000-07:00

Today was cardio day again. And even though Billy still kicked my butt, I only had to stop a few times - AND I didn't feel like I was about to entangle myself in the resistances bands and land flat on my face.

So there's an improvement lol.

I just ordered the "Little Cow's" EAS shaker bottle online. If anyone remembers, the BIG BULL and I had a bet going that my team would kick HIS team's ass in one of the mini challenges. Needless to say, BLAH we didn't! So living up to my end of the bargain, his shaker bottle has been ordered.

EDIT:

At lunch time I popped out and bought myself an exercise bike. It's not a great fancy one or anything, but it will be something I can at least do HIIT on. Woohoo!

Another day down with the rest of our lives to go...

2006-01-04T10:28:00.000-07:00

Well, day 2 of Challenge 2006 is over. Another day of clean eating, of working out, and George Foremaning.. I have no idea what George Foreman was like as a boxer, but as a grill maker, he's pretty dang good.

Fitness and eating wise, I am feeling good - this morning a little tired and it was hard to get out of bed, but I did, so there really isnt anything to report, except I did a great leg workout on the boxflex - squats up to 140 lbs - leg extensions, leg curls, lunges, all the usual suspects. I also finally blew up my ball so I can use that for crunches, and with the dumbells and all that good stuff.

Work wise things are pretty busy - we are launching our new pc reservation software at the library next Monday, and I have been working and training staff on that. Our patrons are probably going to be pissed to start off with. Currently they abuse the fact we have nothign automated, go over their time, and refuse to pay for the extra time they are use. It's amazing how rude and obnoxious people can be to a non-profit organization.

Well, they the time abusers will be in for a nasty surprise as of next monday I tell you!

I am also coordinating with our library supplier replacing our catalogue server and online web catalogue server sometime in the next few months *groans*. It's such a big job and if anything goes wrong - my ass is grass I tell you.

Anyone that works in the computer field can probably sympathise with me, new servers and large amounts of data migration - updating current software versions, changing web interfaces.. it all makes me shudder and want to comtemplate early retirement.

Why don't I buy lottery tickets again?

We also have a fund raiser on Thursday night and Friday night. Thursday night I have to go meet with investors and people that donate money and do butt kissing. Attendance to these are optional unless you are a manager. Then it's optionally enforced. *rolls eyes* I also have to come into work on Saturday and train the high school students that work for us on the new computer booking system.

And no, we don't get paid overtime.

Why don't I buy lottery tickets again?

And now, I have to also write a Healthy and Safety policy and guidelines for the library. Including orientation packages for new staff, organise first aid training, yada yada yada. I don't know squat about OHS Legislation. Have any of you actually looked at the size of the code? It's enough to make my brain explode.

i really think I need to start buying lottery tickets.

Too revved up to sleep..

2006-01-03T07:40:00.000-07:00

Last night was awful! Not used to getting up at 5.30 am, by the time I got home from work I was completely exhausted. To the point my eyes were watering - not crying just watery eyes from being THAT tired.

I grabbed the new George Foreman grill, and cooked up my salmon, and steamed a huge plate of brussel sprouts. Hmmm yummm. After eating, I thought, ok, take a nap, you are exhausted and need it. Can't fall asleep.

Later about 9pm, I'm dragging even more. I head up to bed and jump in, but even though I'm physically exhausted, my mind was racing 100 metres per second. I was thinking about this, and that, what I need to do at work, how much I was behind because of vacation - housework, to the point I was panicking! Guess what - no sleep.

So I get up, and did some rowing on the Bowflex thinking ok, you are tired - wear yourself out completely and clear your mind with physical activity then try sleeping again. I row about 20 minutes and nope, can't get to sleep.

Head back to the living room - this is about 11.30 now, and decided to do some work. If thinking about all the work I have to do is keeping me up - then screw it - let's do some and get the crap out of the way. I work solidly until 12.30am and make a huge dent in my inbox. I feel pleased but now I'm not tired.

I'm staring at the clock thinking, "Aileen are you nuts? You have to get up in 5 hours!!" So I drag my ass back into bed and lay there staring at the ceiling for 30 minutes.

By now, I am so exhaused I am in tears, and decide to do some deep rythmic breathing to help calm myself and try to soothe myself to sleep. It must have worked because I didn't move until the alarm went off at 5.30am.

I still say the person who invented the alarm clock should have been shot.

So this morning was cardio. I didn't do HIIT, but did Tae-Bo. At this point I wish to say, Billy Blanks sucks and can kiss my currently untanned ass. It definately wasn't a HIIT workout - but oh lordie was it hard. Specially with those bands after a damn arm workout yesterday.

Now, I have said it once and I will say it again - I am not the worlds most coordinated person and at one stage I nearly tripped myself up with those damn bands. At another point he had wrapped himself up with them doing pushups and I had no damn idea how and was staring aimlessly at the TV lol.

Overall, it defiantely worked me hard, but not a HIIT. It was a different kind of workout and it will get me through the next few weeks/month until I can afford to get myself the kind of cardio machine I want.

First workout of 2006!

2006-01-02T09:51:00.000-07:00

DONE! Did I tell you I love my bowflex and selecttech dumbells yet. Well in case I haven't....

I love my Bowflex and Selectech Dumbells!

My arms are tired. I can barely lift them to type. However, I feel so much better already just knowing I have eaten a good breakfast, worked out hard, and am here guzzling water.

*guzzle guzzle guzzle*

Now this is going to sound gross - but I bet I'll lost at least 4 lbs this week and most of it will be because I'll be getting rid of all the junk food floating around in my stomach/instestines/bowels etc. Have you ever noticed how clean you feel inside after you stop eating crap? Maybe it's just me. I'm kinda odd.

On a different note, after seeing my crappy before photos that Matt took for me last night, I decided I really need a hair cut. Really really. So instead of making an appointment, this morning in the shower I grabbed a pair of sissors and went to town.

Yeah, I can hear you all groaning now thinking AILEEEN!!! What did you do!

Oh but the joys of having curly hair means you can do crap like that and no one notices. Now, it's just in a really curly bob again similar to the wedding photos. You can't tell I sheered it myself in the shower. lol.

The frizz just HAD to go.

Today is my first day back at work after my Christmas vacation. You know, work reaaaaaaaaallly sucks. I don't want to work anymore. I think I would make a terrific woman of luxury. I could sleep in until 8 and do my workouts then. No more 5.30am stints *the inventor of the alarm clock should have been drawn and quartered!*

Instead of working, I could volunteer some time to charity *it would be nice to do more for charity right?* Sound like a plan? Yeah it does to me also - cept the money in the bank just doesn't support my cunning plan.

Guess I have to start buying lottery tickets! You can't win the lottery until you do I guess. Only problem is, I can never justify to myself wasting money on them. LOL!

Hope everyone's first workout and meals went well today. Loves ya all :D

Ready to start Challenge 2006!

2006-01-01T19:06:00.000-07:00

Oh it's bad. It's very very bad. The before photos are taken and the weights and measurements are done.

Has anyone noticed that http://www.bblex.de/en/calc/navy.php does not work anymore?

I can enter all my stats - but no results come up. So I did it on another website that gives you Navy and YMCA results. YMCA are idiots. Listen to this:

"Results: Using your measurements of a 27.5 inches waist and weight of 128 pounds your body fat percentage is estimated to be 26.09 % using the U.S. Navy body fat formula, or 42.07 % using the formula developed by the YMCA."

Now. Think about this. If I got to the 22% standard according to the YMCA - then according to the Navy I wouldn't exist. Idiots. I'm going to keep posting both though.

So, here is the deal:

And, OH BOY oh depressing is this....

Happy New Year!!!

2006-01-01T00:48:00.000-07:00

Happy New Year everyone! *HUGS* to you all :D

Well, I didn't get an exercise bike in Edmonton - but I DID get the Billy Banks Tae-Bo Bootcamp series. Tae-Bo Bootcamp, The Cardio one and the Ab one, and it comes with the band thingie. I've always wanted to do Tae-Bo so I am going to start that as of next week to start me off.

I am really looking forward to starting up again eating/exercise wise on Monday and getting some structure back in my life. Sounds like a few of my buds here are in the same boat. Let's kick some ass in 2006 - we've only been off the track a few months so it's not all that bad to get back into it. We're not going to let the few months stretch into a few years right?

RIGHT!

We went skiing again a few days ago. This time I didn't sit in the middle of the hill crying scared like a little baby. The "Valley of Death" as I called it actually isn't all that steep. Just seemed like it at the time. THIS time it didn't take me 1 hour to get down *LOL* try 5 mins or so! BIG improvement, and not as much falling over.

I'm still really really suck and are not very good - but improvement is definately being made. But hell is it ever a killer on the legs! OMG!

The hockey game was EXCELLENT - I had SUCH a great time! I can't tell you just how much - it was simply fantastic and even better because Edmonton won! Booyeah! We had seats right on the glass, front row right on the blue line near the visitors end. Terrific seats and a terrific game. I want to go to ALL Edmonton games now - it's just not possible since we live 450km away lol.

Hope everyone had a great Christmas!

2005-12-27T23:42:00.000-07:00

Been a while since I updated, but holidays get busy and everyone has the same issue that time of year.

Christmas was great! I got a George Foreman grill - just in time for when I start my new challenge in January.

Heaven forbid, I certainly need this new challenge. I'm weighing over 130lbs now. That's a gain of over 15 lbs. Flab everywhere, no muscle tone - I pretty much look like my before photo again. None of my clothes fit anylonger.

We're going to Edmonton on Thursday for a two day vacation and go see an Oiler's HOckey game. This will be my last splurge at a nice resteraunt, and when we go shopping I am going to buy an exercise bike to get for my workout room. Then I'll be able to do everything from home.

Lifechanging moments...

2005-12-20T06:29:00.000-07:00

Have you ever come to a time in your life, when you look back on past mistakes and a light bulb goes off in your head? Suddenly you realise why you were the way you were or the way you are now - and it can either be inpsirational or very depressing.

I am stuck between those two emotions.

First off - let me say my birthday started out great. Matthew was cuddling me all morning in bed. Then I went to work *blah* where the people I work with made me a birthday cake *low fat chocolate made with tofu believe it or not* lol and two HUGE containers of fudge. A birthday card, and a really cute snoopy christmas tree ornament.

I had phone calls from friends in town, Matt's mother, all in all a generally nice day. Later I get home and Matt had bought me a beautiful birthday card (he never buys cards), made me dinner, and his mother and sister made me a birthday cake with little Canadian flags and flowers all over it.

So what's the one thing that can ruin a great birthday in anyone's books?

My family.

My family are the most negative people you will ever meet. I usually refer to them as emotional blood sucking leeches that steal the life out of you. Prior to last night that was just a phrase I used. Now I see I really did mean it and it is true in all it's glory.

First of all mum rang to say happy birthday. All in all that doesn't sound too bad does it? I should have hung the phone up then because every time I talk to these people on the phone SOMETHING is always wrong.

My family is poor. But being poor is no excuse for what they do. I grew up with them, I had the same opportunities, I turned out *relatively* normal all things considered.

So after the happy birthdays we start talking about my brother. My brother is a 36 year old complete loser. And I mean that in every sense of the word. He has a complete "woe is me" atittude and blames every person in the world for HIS problems.

My grandma is old and recently had to sell her home and move in with my mother. My mothers sister etc watches them like a hawk to ensure that they are not spending my grandmother's money from the sale of the house *it's their inheritance right*. Except, I don't see THEM taking care of an invalid elderly woman 24 hours a day. But they probably have good reason.

My brother quit his job *again* the second one he's had. Most of his time is spent unemployed, playing video games, and telling the world how unfair life is to him. That *he* is on the edge of society, no one cares, his life is so hard, blah blah fucking blah.

Grandma bought his large screen tv from him for $1000 so he would have money to pay the rent after he quit his job. That money was gone in less then 24 hours. Kum thinks he spent the money on pot. HELLO? Can anyone else say crack problem? You can't spent that much on pot and smoke it! Holy hell. It's something worse than that. Then I also find out that he owes grandma over 3.5 THOUSAND dollars. What kind of prick takes money from an 89 old woman, blaming how unfair life is on him when he can't be bothered to work or be motivated to improve his life himself?

My brother is contemplating suicide again and blaming all us for it - My aunt also just had a breast cancer operation.

I also asked my mother about some of my things she still has. Now, my grandfather died when I was just a baby, and I only had one toy that he ever gave me. A plastic Bambi toy. My mother always told me, no matter what, I could never get rid of it. I never wanted to! So also during our conversation, I asked mum if she can send that over when I send her some money to post me some things.

Oh sorry Aileen - I gave that away.

She kept my freaking stuffed snoopy toy that I collected - but gave away the ONLY thing her father ever gave me? UGH!

After the phone call finally ends, I am feeling so depressed, and down I just start crying. I'm so far away from them and just can't take care of them or do anything to help, and then later in bed it hit me.

The painful hollow feeling that I was feeling - I had not felt it for a very long time now, but it was very familiar. I grew up feeling that way ALL my life. Guilty. I felt guilty for having what I have, guilty for doing better than the rest of my family, guilty for not being *lower* than them.

Then another epithany. My eating disorder. My drug abuse, alcohol problems, running away to Canada, all of it. ALL of it was caused by them. The pain in my chest, the hollow feeling, was so hard to live with, I spent my entire life trying to numb myself or run from it. To make myself lower than them in order to make them feel better about themselves.

Oh lordie I wish I was still in touch with the eating disorder councellor I used to visit in Australia. I would say HALLELULJIAH!!! I figured it out! My family make me sick.

So I sit here in the morning, typing this up. I'm crying yeah, but I'm also very angry. Why as a child should I EVER have been made to feel responsible to take care of ADULTS? It is was not my job to do that. I always thought my eating disorderes and problems stemmed from having no money for food and being poor, but that is not it at all.

It is because that statement is more true that I could have ever imagined.

My family ARE blood sucking leeches that steal the emotional life out of you, and they don't even realise that what they do and how they act is WRONG.

I haven't felt that hollow empty pain inside my chest for a very long time - and here it is inside me again, but at least I know why now.

I HATE my family. I really do. How is it possible to love someone and loathe them at the same time?

Birthday weekend.

2005-12-18T17:40:00.000-07:00

Well, tomorrow is my birthday - turning 33 this year.

Matt came home with my present yesterday, he bought me ski boots and a pair of skis, and today we went out skiing.

It was my first time ever skiing! I found muscles I didn't know I had. Lucky for me I have extra padding on my bottom at this point in time, and it came in very handy as I landed on it quite a few times.

Matt took a few photos:

It was fun! I had the best time - we were out there all day.

However the 'in between' hill was closed - so we tried this other one a few times and it was pretty steep and scary. I guess I am a bit of a wuss cause halfway down I slipped and went down on my back backwards and couldn't stop - and then proceeded to sit in the snow crying because I was too scared to stand up or move.

Oh and here is a photo while I have the card out here is a photo from the canadian citizenship ceremony a few weeks ago :)

Life's Energy is What You Make it

2005-12-15T10:05:00.000-07:00

Anyone who knows the basics of sailing can maneuver their boat to the desired destination, regardless of the wind direction. The ability to adjust the sails appropriately, and the amount of wind, are of far greater importance than the wind's direction.

Winners and achievers in life know how to use all of life's energy -- the tail winds and the head winds -- to move ahead toward goal achievement. Fear gives us the heightened sense of awareness necessary for taking on difficult situations. Challenges give us superb opportunities for learning and growing. Setbacks and obstacles strengthen our resolve and determination. That is, if we decide to take them that way.

You can't control the wind, but you can control how to set your sails. And you can't control what life hands you, but you have complete control over what you do with it. Fear and challenge can blow you off course -- or they can supply the energy to propel you ahead.

It all depends on you.

This is all Teresa's fault.

2005-12-13T16:27:00.000-07:00

Your Pimp Name Is...

Auntie Dynamite

What's Your Pimp Name?

You Are Mexican Food

Spicy yet dependable.
You pull punches, but people still love you.

What Kind of Food Are You?

Your Personality Profile

You are dependable, popular, and observant.
Deep and thoughtful, you are prone to moodiness.
In fact, your emotions tend to influence everything you do.

You are unique, creative, and expressive.
You don't mind waving your freak flag every once and a while.
And lucky for you, most people find your weird ways charming!

The World's Shortest Personality Test

You Passed 8th Grade Math

Congratulations, you got 8/10 correct!

Could You Pass 8th Grade Math?

Your Inner Child Is Sad

You're a very sensitive soul.
You haven't grown that thick skin that most adults have.
Easily hurt, you tend to retreat to your comfort zone.
You don't let many people in - unless you've trusted them for a long time.

How Is Your Inner Child?

What Your Underwear Says About You

When you're bad, you're very bad. And when you're good, you're still trouble!

You're a closet exhibitionist who gets a thrill from being secretly naughty.

The Underwear Oracle

Your Birth Month is December

You love life and exude an outgoing, cheerful vibe.
Blessed with a great sense of humor, you can laugh at adversity.

Your soul reflects: Celebration, success, and wealth

Your gemstone: Blue Topaz

Your flower: Narcissus

Your colors: Indigo, green, and blue-green

What Does Your Birth Month Mean?

Your Career Type: Enterprising

You are engertic, ambitious, and sociable.
Your talents lie in politics, leading people, and selling things or ideas.

You would make an excellent:

Auctioneer - Bank President - Camp Director
City Manager - Judge - Lawyer
Recreation Leader - Real Estate Agent - Sales Person
School Principal - Travel Agent - TV Newscaster

The worst career options for your are investigative careers, like mathematician or architect.

What's Your Ideal Career?

In a Past Life...

You Were: An Insane Chief.

Where You Lived: Thailand.

How You Died: Hung for treason.

Who Were You In a Past Life?

How You Are In Love

You fall in love quickly and easily. And very often.

You give and take equally in relationships.

You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time.

You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change.

You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.

How Are You In Love?

You Are 32 Years Old

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

You Have a Phlegmatic Temperament

Mild mannered and laid back, you take life at a slow pace.
You are very consistent - both in emotions and actions.
You tend to absorb set backs easily. You are cool and collected.

It is difficult to offend you. You can remain composed and unemotional.
You are a great friend and lover. You don't demand much of others.
While you are quiet, you have a subtle wit that your friends know well.

At your worst, you are lazy and unwilling to work at anything.
You often get stuck in a rut, without aspirations or dreams.
You can get too dependent on others, setting yourself up for abandonment.

What Temperment Are You?

Another great workout...

2005-12-13T07:29:00.000-07:00

I LOVE my bowflex. Love it, love it, love it, love it! Today I did 15 minutes rowing on it and then a chest workout. My back didn't want to take anymore than the 15 minutes unfortunately.

Working out at home is SO much better than the gym! This would have been my normal Tuesday at the gym.

6.00am wake up
6.20 arrive at the gym
6.35 still be waiting for the gym to open
6.40 start HIIT
7.05 end HIIT
7.08 Have cold shower
7.10-7.25 Get dressed, makeup and hair.
7.30 start work.

Today's workout at home.

5.30 wake up
5.40 Have Kickstart drink and check email.
5.55 Begin workout.
6.45 Hop into a hot shower.
6.55 Get dressed, hair makeup.
7.15 Leave home
7.30 start work.

Now which one sounds more desirable to you?

I need to get that stationery bike going so I can do alternative cardio workouts.

I got my whiteboard and put it on the wall in there last night. Wrote out my workout plan for the week, current weight and measurements.

My name is Aileen - and I am Canadian!!

2005-12-12T12:13:00.000-07:00

I really felt this one deserve it's own post - so that's two posts for today lol.

As of December 2nd, I am an official Canadian citizen :D

I'm here - I'm here - I'm here!

2005-12-12T09:40:00.000-07:00

Sorry guys, I've been one slack patootie lately. In absolutely every manner.

I've been eating crap, gaining weight, not working out - all for the excuse I was waiting for my gym stuff to arrive. Few days turned into a few weeks and now is about 2 months.

My weight hit 130.5 lbs today. Yup - that's right, I've gained about 13 lbs.

However, no more excuses. I painted that room on Friday night. We setup the Bowflex on Friday, and I worked out Saturday, Sunday and Monday. My eating was still crap all weekend so none of it made any difference - but today, I started on the good path of food once more.

There are a few things I still need to do to get my workout room exactly the way I want it. But it still looks excellent none the less. I want to get some curtain stuff, I need poster frames for my pictures so I can hang them.

I also want to get a whiteboard to place on one wall to track my progress. Why write it on scraps of paper anymore or just in my comptuer? I will be recording workouts and information right into the very room I workout in.

I just have enough room now to add a cardio machine. I want to get an exercise bike, and last but not least, just a small cheap stereo I can play music on while I workout.

Since it is a spare bedroom and there are built in cupboards also, I will be keeping all my workout clothes in those cupboard. Not only freeing up space in my bedroom - but making it completely "my zone".

I'll have pictures of when I'm finished I promise!!!

Quickie...

2005-11-22T17:57:00.000-07:00

My selecttech dumbells just turned up! Matt's putting them together while I flip through the manual. I have one poster out of all that I ordered, so I'm still waiting on the others and my bowflex itself.

I'd dance if it wouldn't hurt my toe :P

I'm toeless...

2005-11-18T13:35:00.000-07:00

Well not toeless- just toenail less. It wasn't as bad as I thought either.

My doctor gave me some cream to put all over my toe before I went down there - something called Elma - numbs the area entirely. Then I couldn't even feel the needles at all really for the freezing. Apprently they REALLY hurt. So I didn't feel the needles much, and he froze the entire area and the nails gone. :)

It's the best my foot has felt all week. Ask me after the freezing wears off and I'll probably have a different story.

On the lighter side of life - I have nearly finished my Christmas shopping. That's right, you heard me - I have nearly finished :) I am so proud of myself. Every year I say I wont leave it until the last minute and I haven't. Only a few more things to pick up now.

Only problem is I love giving presents 10000 times more than getting them - so I'll probably have to buy everyone something else again before Christmas itself. :)

There once was this toe see.....

2005-11-16T08:19:00.000-07:00

So where have I been. Slack that's what! Sorta

I havent been going to the gym - Matt opened the basement door onto my foot last week and it HURT. And it hurt BAD. Looks like my toenail is going to fall off. I was even wearing slippers at work because my foot was so sore.

Than excuse to self number 2, had the huge pms munching monthly cravings. It's completely insane. I have complete control over food 3 weeks of the month, but for that one week, I'm like an eating demon. And that is why I have so much problems progressing past what I am now.

I'm not too worried though, I'm going to give my toe time to recover - and start on up again next Monday.

On a completely different note. I was checking the status of my citizenship application online on Monday, and it has progressed! Apparently they have sent me two letters which I should recieve any day now. One is to inform me of my citizenship exam on November 30th, and the other was to invite me to attend the Oath of Canadian Citizenship Ceremony on Friday December 2nd.

I'll officially be Canadian!

When you feel like you are going to die, you feel the most ALIVE!!

2005-11-05T09:39:00.000-07:00

Oh yeah - I'm talking about HIIT. Today, I worked harder at my HIIT then I ever have in the last 11 months. I put the level on the cross trainer up one, and increased all my levels by 5 rpm. It was hard, it hurt, I was turning all shades of purple, I felt like I was going to die - and I felt SO ALIVE!

Then I had a great ab workout - what a great start to the weekend :) Nothing better!

I also ran into the ex-manager of the gym - she was coming to workout just as I was winding up. She is thinking of returning to work there. Honestly I think she should because since she left the place has gone to SHIT. And that's not SHIIT ;) She was excited and disappointed that I am getting a bowflex, because it means that I wont be at the gym much if she does come back. We get along great -she's a loverly lady. If she does return, I'll continue using the gym for tanning at least.

I am currently eating my hell diet breakfast :) which really doesnt seem like hell at all. I love it and it is a TON of food. lol

This morning I'm having egg white scrambled eggs, with copped up mushrooms, peas and chives. It's a HUGE bowlful and only about 140 calories, with 20g of protein and 15 g of carbs. I walked into the living room with my bowl of eggs, and Matt goes "That's a LOT of eggs." I'm tell you this, hell diet, is not hell at all.

Most days for lunch I have a turkey/spinach wrap - which is scrumptious, and dinner is some sort of fish with steamed brocoli, brussel sprouts and asparagus. I alternate the fish, some nights is snapper marainated in lemon juice, other nights its salmon, last night was smoked cod.

Today when I worked out I wore a crop top and shorts, and I have to say my midsection is more solid than it ever has been. The diet is definately working, and I even cheated on chocolate one night.

I just decided, I love Bill Phillips. You know, I do love the BFL program, and it makes SUCH good sense that I am amazed it doesn't occur to everyone to live their life away. I'm astounded it took me until now to realise what life can really offer.

I am SO grateful to Bill for writing his book. Sure, it might have been a money maker and a way to promote his company. But for a person to put into pictures and words, a very simple plan that can help so many.

I'm just so thankful I found it that it brings tears to my eyes writing this.

Now, back to my bowlful of eggs :D

I have such great plans.

2005-11-04T09:11:00.000-07:00

I'm getting really excited planning my new workout room.

First, I have decided to paint the room a nice yellow colour. Something bring, cheerful and happy.

Then on one wall, I am putting motivational posters and prints. I ordered some today online. Let me show you!

"It is not the position you stand, but the direction in which your look."

"Determination is often the first chapter in the book of excellence."

"Better to fail with honor than succeed with fraud."

"Decide carefully exactly what you want in life, then work like mad to make sure you get it!"

"Self-confidence is the first requisite to great undertakings."

Anyway, that's my wall of motivation! I am also going to get some wall mirrors and mount on the other side, so I can keep an eye on my form while I workout. Throw in a few silk plants for greenery and TADA! I am going to have to take a picture of it when all completed to show everyone.

I ate chocolate yesterday - not tooo pleased about that considering my diet has been excellent lately. But I suppose one slip up won't kill me.

So - what's with all this tracker CRAP lately? I go and read the posts, but I am totally uninspired to post anything on there. The people seem rude, cynical and generally attention seeking and not supportive of others at all.

On another note also - how the HELL did that Australian guy go from like 10th place to number 1 within 24 hours? I smell something fishy in Sydney! Make's me ashamed to be Australian that does. He has to be either distributing the page to a multitude of people to vote for him - or figured out a way to vote more than once a day. Either that or no one decided to vote for him for the first half of the voting period then all of a sudden changed their mind on who to vote for.

I honestly think this voting thing EAS has done completely sucks. A lot of those top 15 worked DAMN hard to get to where they are - only to have it boil down to a popularity contest, or a contest of how many people you know that have internet access and can vote FOR you. What a crock.

Probably one of the reasons I picked out that Honesty poster up there ^^. I love those motivational prints lol don't you?

And on a final note - here is a motivational poster I didn't order, but I think is awesome!!

"Jump into the middle of things, get your hands dirty, fall flat on your face, and then reach for the stars."

OMG OMG I am SO excited :D

2005-11-03T09:28:00.000-07:00

Once again the idiots at the gym were 10 minutes late. I am really starting to dislike one particular girl what has been late every day now 10 days straight.

Today - I decided NO MORE! I am going to take matters into my own hands.

So I did it - I went ahead and did it. I ordered a bowflex and their select tech dumbells.

This is what I am getting:

Now the box flex isn't the top of the line one. But it has over 60 exercises including squats and a lat bar. PLUS I have the excellent dumbells with the stand coming!

For cardio - what I am going to do - is get one of those indoor trainers for my mountain bike. That way I can do cycling indoors! See!!?

Eventually I want to get one of those bowflex treadclimbers for at home also - but I just can't afford it right now.

I am SOOO damn pumped and excited! I have all sorts of plans for the spare room to do it into a nice workout room. My goal is to have an excellent workout facility at home - and no longer have to reply on other companies or stupid people in order to accomplish my goal.

I'm just SO kewl and sexay - I amaze myself.

2005-11-02T12:23:00.000-07:00

Yessireee lol. Oh you gotta know from the title of this post that I did something stupid right?

Picture this. Buff Aileen. At the gym - I'm looking lean and tanned and muscular with a cap on a tight singlet top, and tracksuit pants. I have to say I look good. The sweat pants are even bunching up in the back now because they only come in small medium and large, and small is just TOO big.

So, I'm looking good - I got style, I got the moves.... Right up to the point I trip over a weight I had beside my bench and stumbled onto the floor.

But it's fine, it's cool. I'm alright - no one noticed (I think).

Then I'm putting the dumbells back onto the metal rack - and squished my fingie in between two of them :( - it's not cool and fine - it HURT! :(

Heaven help me - I am SUCH a klutz lol.

Anyway, the local supplement store who now has my business forever (I'll tell you why in a few), custom ordered some EAS Catapult in for me. (I don't care Lisa, I'm using it!) - and I bought two bottles. The ownwer bought himself a bottle to try also and if he likes it he will stock it. If not - I'll just keep ordering it in. So I have my 'Kickstart' back. WOOHOO!

Anyway - why I like this guy that owns Popeyes is cause I went there about 5 months ago and was after something like Kickstart as an energy booster to take before workouts. He didn't have it and recommended me something to try.

Anyway you need to know how much you weigh so you know how much to take, and this guy turned, looked me up and down critically and says... "Hmm definately under 120 if that and pretty much solid muscle." Oh yeah, if I didn't love Matt so much I would have offered to have his children.

So two weeks ago I head into the store again to see if he has Catapault. He doesn't but will custom order it for me. And, he also remembered exactly what I ordered last time I was there, and my name. From one visit 4 months ago!

Since I live in a town where Customer Service seems to be a dirty word - I can definately state that this store has my business from here on in.

What if...?

2005-11-01T20:55:00.000-07:00

I have a few questions I wanted to pose to people. Let's see what everyone thinks.

1. What if I worked out 6 days a week doing weights. Cutting out cardio completely and working EXTREMELY hard at weights?

2. And what if while I do this, I stop eating healthy, and start intentionally eating junk food like McDonalds regularly with the intention of gaining some fat?

3. And what if I also stop tanning?

4. What if when I'm white with no tan, and have gained back 15 lbs, I take an unflattering photo of myself for a new before photo.

5. Then, what if... I start a new challenge. After having kept up and working out hard with weights and continually building muscle and went on an extreme hell diet for 12 weeks.

What does everyone think the results of this would be?

I love Halloween!

2005-10-31T18:25:00.000-07:00

Growing up in Australia, I never got to participate in Halloween.

Kids dont trick or treat - no one carves pumpkins - it's just another day.

Since I came to Canada - I have carved pumpkins each year - and now I have my own house and no longer live in an apartment, I have kids coming around trick or treating and I LOVE it!

It's like reliving a part of childhood I completely missed out on. I go shopping and pick up the yummiest candy I can find. I get a thrill each time the doorbell rings and I answer to find batman, or a butterfly smiling up at me holding out their little pumpkin shaped candy baskets yelling trick or treat!

We have a fire in the fireplace, and it just feels cozy and warm :)

If it were acceptable for a 33 year old woman to walk around knocking on doors trick or treating I'd probably be out there. When I have kids I'm going to have a BLAST!

Matt stole all the Twix out of the candy basket though. lol "Only take these if we run out" he says. Methinks he likes Twix.

Now me, I have been good. Not even tempted by the piles of candy currently sitting on a stool in our hallway. I cooked up my grilled snapper with steamed brussel sprouts and asparagus - while Matt orders pizza. (Are we suppose to give the pizza man candy at Halloween?) I feel STRONG eating healthy while there is a pile of junk in the house lol.

Any left over candy tomorrow is being taken to the library and donated. Each year the kids make pinatas at the library and stuff it with candy. I am donating my candy to them!

Free day yay!

2005-10-30T16:58:00.000-07:00

Well, everything from yesterday seemed to blow over. I think I was crying pretty much from 9am to 9pm I was such a mess. Today I am feeling better, but I still haven't spoken to any of Matt's family, and just can't imagine facing them again.

You might notice I changed the link to my blog. This is so people who shouldn't be reading my blog think it's gone.

Today we cleaned the yard up preparing for the snow. Goodbye leaves! It is suppose to snow every day next week.

Oh that's an idea - I'm going to add a weather link so people can see what the weather's like where I am. (DAMN COLD! lol)

Tomorrow is HALLOOWEEEEEEEEEEN! And dammit we haven't carved any pumpkins this year. We don't do pumpkin carving in Australia, so everytime halooween comes around here Matt and I carve up some pumpkins. Perhaps this time Ill just have to decorate the front stairs with spooky stuff instead.

Today was free day. So today started out with hashbrowns, coffee and a bacon and egg mcmuffin :D Completely forgot about eating for the rest of the day. We spent all day raking and pulling up the garden and then dragging it all to the dump.

Next meal today will be Matt's home made spaghetti (YUM YUM!) and then back to the plan tomorrow.

First week back into it, I dropped 1.5 lbs so that's good - and the BF% went down a fair bit also. So if I can keep up 12 weeks of the same plan then the results from this challenge should be good.

I guess I should just stop doing challenges soon. This will be challenge 5 now. November 22nd will be 1 year on the BFL program. So, when do I stop doing challenges and just keep doing this for life? lol OR should I just keep doing this - challenge 45 I'll still be posting the same sad old advice on Tracker and sounding like a broken record. 'Yes, you have to have your free day.' - 'Don't worry - if you keep at it the weight will come off'. I just don't feel that I have anything to say anymore.

And things just go from bad to worse..

2005-10-29T10:14:00.000-06:00

Wednesday/Thursday I was extremely depressed - I've suffered from deperession and all my chat buddies on tracker know this. Part of the big BLAAAAAAAH about Matt and our relationship was bought on by a huge bought of depression. I know this, Matt knows this and most of you probably have realized this.

But now I amost feel violated. Why you ask?

I didn't know Matt's relatives were reading my blog. Oh no I hear you all say. Oh Yeah I reply. And they'll probably read this as wekk. Oh well the damage has already been done.

Apparently when Matt went down to see his mother today while I was at the gym they were all in a big flap because I am going to kick him out if he doesn't propose by January. Doesn't that make the relationship with the inlaws just comfortable.

What started as a great day with a great workout, has turned into me being extremely depressed again, I'm in tears - and I just don't know what to do. Matt and I sorted everything out - I know I was not myself, we talked, it's all good.

Now, it's changed again - I don't feel good. I don't feel now like I could ever marry Matt because even if he loves me to death does the worlds most romantic proposal and and we have the best relationship on the planet - his family will only think it's because he's been pressured into it.

Everything was sorted out and fine now until this morning - now Matt's pissed off at me again, and I am thinking the only alternative is to end our relationship.

This will be the last post I make with anything representing personal information. From now on - it's strictly diet and exercise information.

I'm damned if I do, and I'm damned if I don't.

Maybe I should just move back to Australia.

Booyeah!

2005-10-28T23:12:00.000-06:00

We went out tonight for dinner and I stuck to my diet PERFECTLY!!!

I had steamed snow crab, and asked for no rice or potatos but an extra large serving of the mixed veggies, and not to put butter on it. (poor waitress).

So thats I had - talk about devine and completely to plan!

I ROCK! lol

Oh I took Matt out to dinner as a sorry for my crappy behaviour last night :P

Is romance dead?

2005-10-28T08:48:00.000-06:00

Few things to discuss today - but let's start with the normal exercise type stuff.

First of all - I drag my butt to the gym 6.30am as usually after a really bad night's sleep to find the idiot morons that work there are late AGAIN! Sure - they are only late by 10 minutes, but when I only have until 7.30 to work out, that's a big dent in workout time. Then I overheard the stupid blonde bimbo that hasnt worked out a day in her minisule 19 year life that she was tired cause she partied until 2am.

HEEEELLLOOOOOO!!!!! You have a JOB!!!! Idiot.

Had a good upper body workout though. Definately feeling my arms this morning trying to type this lol.

Yesterday evening however, sucked, and it sucked BIG time. For some reason I was extremely depressed. And I'm talking beyond the bottom of the barrel, as bad as I used to feel when I would cut myself depressed. Matt was late home from work again, so then I ask him if he's avoiding coming home on time because our relationship is deteriorating. He's just blown away because this comes from out of the blue, and then starts asking me when my period is starting (I'm an idiot when I'm PMSing.)

Well, didn't asking that make thing's only worse.

We started arguing and I start to clam up - however Matt's the type of guy that wants to talk things through NOW and won't let me clam up. I suppose that is good for me in a lot of ways because it doesn't let me dwell in my own misery a lot of the time. On the other hand - he's extremely logical and doesn't understand that I am not. Especially when I get as depressed as I was yeterday.

Anywhooo - lot's of conversation going on and up comes the marriage topic again. Probably because it was on my mind again since I discussed it on here.

In the end, I laid it out. I told him I know what I want from my life, and that I am not getting any younger. That I love him to death but if he's not wanting to get married and have a family then I need to know so I can decide what I am going to do with MY life. Well, didn't this make things worse. He told me that was the coldest thing I have ever said to him in our entire relationship and it was like his feelings did not matter even if we had a great relationship now.

I tried to explain to him, and tried to explain that he just doesn't understand how I feel, and that logic has nothing to do with feelings etc etc. I also said that even if he was to ask me to marry him anytime soon now - how would I know it's because he wants to marry my, and not because he feels he has to otherwise I'll end up leaving?

Talk about a messy situation.

Then during the conversation, he said he was going to ask me and had it planned but wasnt going to say anything. I told him I dont want to know about it, because it kills the spark and romance of anything when you know before hand. He told me anyway - he was going to ask me on my birthday or Christmas.

So great - no romance in the relationship here now. What IS it with men? Why couldn't it just be "Yes, I feel the same way, I want to be with you also - but I want it to be a surprise so you have to wait." I'd be all for that - that would be sufficient.

For the guys that read this - I know men are more logical than women - but please don't suck the romance dry out of your relationship in this way. Women like a bit of romance in their lives. Is romance dead?

You would think after him admitting all this, I would be happy. Am I? No. I really must be an ungrateful creature. My depression just got worse and worse. I couldn't stop crying. Matt wanted to head out to get himself something to eat, but I didn't want to go with him - I also didn't way to stay. I was about to head up to bed and I had a HUGE urge to start hurting myself - so I forced myself to go with him. I am NOT going down that route again.

I head to bed when we get home, thinking a good night sleep might help - but I can't fall asleep. Matt comes to bed and watches tv as he always does, and unless I fall asleep beforethat - I'm awake for at least an hour until he's finished and thats 2-3am. Instead - I decide it's better if I don't sleep in the same room with Matt tonight so I can get a good night's sleep. He agree's (and I know it's because he's concerned about me) and offers to sleep on the couch.

Me being down and feeling sorry for myself, decline and said I would. So this man gets up, makes the couch into a bed with blankets and pillows, setsup the spare alarm clock so I don't miss going to the gym and I just leave and sleep on the couch.

This morning I wake up and manage to drag my sorry ass to the gym. I don't feel as down as I did last night, but looking back at how I was acting - holy hell. Why on EARTH does this man put up with me?

Most of the time my depression isn't an issue anymore. Sometimes liek last night, it comes with a vengance and kicks me to the curb. I am luckier than the employees that won the 54 million in the lottery this week, and today I am going to prove that to him.

Everyone should buy themselves a new pair of shoes.

2005-10-27T08:22:00.000-06:00

You know, I have to say that there is nothing that makes you feel as good as buying some new clothes with a new pair of shoes.

Yesterday I bought a new cordoroy? above the knee skirt, and a cream coloured turtleneck (it's getting cold here guys) and some nice new shoes.

Today wearing them - I feel like a million bucks! If I had a camera I'd take a photo of my new sexy feet lol. Anywhoooo.

Had an ok cardio workout - struggled a bit with my 9's and 10 today. My heart rate seemed to be pretty high so I took it a bit easier. While I'm working out, I always feel like I just can't do anymore - yet when I finish, I always feel I didn't work hard enough. Does anyone else get that?

Had a great ab workout though. I did 3 sets of Ab boot camp - and then 3 sets on the Ab machine at 90 lbs. One day you'll actually be able to see my abs *sigh*.

Two new movies coming out next month that I really want to see. Pride and Prejudice and Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. I have been DYING for the next Harry Potter film. It's a shame we have to wait another 2 years for the next book. :\ People should be made to write books series all at once, and then release them a few months at at time. It sucks when you wait for a book for 2 years, and then read it within 2 hours. Then another 2 year wait.

It's torture!

On a completely different note. I am starting to question my relationship with Matt. I love him to death, and I know he loves me. But he seems to have this issue about getting married. I'm 33 soon and I want to have kids. Ultimately, I would like to start a family by the time I am 35 at the latest. I don't want to be hitting 40 and trying to get pregnant. Too many things can go wrong. I also really don't want to have kids with someone that I am not married to, or does not want a family as much as I do. It's not fair on the children.

I have been very direct with him and let him know how I feel, and what my plans with my life are. I've told him I want to get married and he says he does also, but he just has no plans on anytime soon.

The problem is - he is only 27. Currently, he is in no hurry at all to get remarried and start a family. It's a lot easier for men to have kids as they get older than it is for women. I know technology is great these days and all - but the risks grow as you get older.

I don't know, perhaps I am being unreasonable. I am seriously considering leaving him if he hasn't made more of a move towards marriage by January. I love him to death - but I want a family. I have goals in my life regarding this, and if he doesn't have the same goals, doesn't want them, or just keeps putting it off, do I really want to be with someone I might come to extremely resent in the future? Is it fair all around, to both myself and to him?

Oooo - ahhh - ouccchie - it's leg day.

2005-10-26T07:21:00.000-06:00

Bad move buying a standard car I decided today lol. Damn clutch! Do you know how hard it is to push in the clutch after torturing your legs?

Had a good workout though. Today I did:

Squats: 130 lbs
Leg Extensions: 90 lbs
Lunges: 60 lbs (had to use dumbells blah)
Deadlifts: 60 lbs
Standing calf raises: 240 lbs
Seated calf raises: 65 lbs

My lunch is also packed up ready to go - I'm just working up the energy to walk up the stairs and take a shower before I get ready for work. Damn stairs. I need to live in a single story house. Or get one of those motorized thingies that carry you up the stairs. Yeah - that would do it.

The meal plan for today is:

Breakfast - eggbeaters with onion, green peppers and asparagus.
Midmeal - protein shake
Lunch - fat free turkey, baby spinach, wrapped in a whole wheat tortilla
Midmeal - protein shake
Dinner - grilled sole with brussel sprouts and brocoli
Lastmeal - protein shake

As people who read Lisa's blog will know, we are doing the hell diet one week and a modified hell diet another. This might have been a bad time to start a challenge. Should have started it in September. This one is going to end around Christmas/New Years. That is SO not a good time to be finishing up.

Anyway, I'll update again later, just wanted to post about this morning's workout before I head to work and get lost there completely.

Vroom Vroom!

2005-10-25T19:10:00.000-06:00

I bought a new car! No more crappy Neon - woohooo!

I got a 2006 VW Golf GLS Turbo Diesel.

It's blue like this one - has a sunroof, and that new car smell - that doesn't smell like cigarettes since I don't smoke anymore :D Oooo and don't forget - HEATED SEATS!

It's time to get serious - can't you tell? This is my serious face!

2005-10-25T17:39:00.000-06:00

Ok, I know - I have been extremely slack about blogging.

The past two months have been pretty slack food and exercise wise also - and it shows. 20.7% body fat! BLAH!

I started another challenge on Monday - this will be challenge 5 now.

My buddy Lisa and I will be doing this one together. (Hey buddy Lisa!)

I went shopping today and stocked up on food. Got some brocoli, brussel sprouts, asparagus, fresh fish, baby spinach all the good stuff. It's time to get serious boys n girls!

Today is also 3 weeks and 1 day since I have not had a cigarette. Booyeah! What a difference not smoking makes when I do my cardio.

I finally got of my saggy butt today and went to the gym before work again. Even though I havent been in a few weeks, I was able to up my rpms on each level by another 5. It was hard work, but I wasnt gasping for air or sweating as much. My heart rate also doesnt skyrocket quite as quickly anymore.

(Lisa - you and Chris have to give up smoking!)

I also picked up some Hydroxycut on advice from Lisa who says it definately helps with cravings. I have to admit also - I get some wicked cravings, espeecially when it's approaching THAT time of the month. You have to chain me to a railing to keep me away from the refridgerator - literally! Let's hope this stuff helps.

I've also ordered in some "Catapault" or however you spell it. The product EAS replaced Kickstart with. Now I really enjoyed using Kickstart - so here's hoping the Catapault works just as well and tastes just as good.

Challenge 4 - Day 1

2005-07-12T12:47:00.000-06:00

Challenge 4.

Goals: Weight: 110 lbs BF%: 16.0 %

Before: 11th July, 2005.
Neck: 12 inches.Chest: 32.5 inches.Waist: 25 inches.Hips: 35.5 inches.Butt: 37.75 inches Thighs: 20.75 inches.Calf: 12.5 inches.Bicep: 10.25 inches.F/Arm: 8.5 inches..
Body Fat: 19.8%
Weight: 119.5 lbs.

What a great start – NOT. Slept in and missed working out – will go after work today. Will stick to the eating plan today, and workout how many calories I am eating in a day and keep logging that also. I am so tired and stayed up way too late last night. Today I must get to bed around 10 pm in order to be in good condition for cardio tomorrow.

I did go at night though and by god my arms were sore after - even if I didn't hit all my goals. I definately worked as hard as I possibly could.

I also need to add one extra meal in a day to increase calorie intake. Need to aim 1200-1300 cal per day.

Exercise

Chest Press:
Goal: 30, 45, 60, 75
Achieved: 30, 45, 60, 75

Incline Press:
Goal: 2 x 20
Achieved:: 2 x 20

Seated Rows:
Goal: 30, 45, 60, 75
Achieved: 40, 50, 60, 70

One Armed Rows:
Goal: 25
Achieved: 25

Shoulder Rows:
Goal: 12, 15, 20, 25
Achieved: (2 x) 12, 15, 20, 20

Seated Rows:
Goal: 25
Achieved: 15

Tricep Press:
Goal: 15, 20, 25, 30
Achieved: 12, 15, 20, 25

Tricep One Arm overhead:
Goal: 20
Achieved: 12

Dumbell Curls:
Goal: 12, 15, 20, 25
Achieved: 12, 15, 20, 20

Hammer Curls:
Goal: 25
Achieved: 20

C2-W5-D4

2005-03-24T08:47:00.000-07:00

Boy, have I been BAD!

I ended up getting the flu - and that turned into a complete free-for-all with my eating, and absolutely no exercise for 2 weeks. Frustrating, but at least I am back at the gym and cleaned my food up again as of yesterday.

It will be interesting on Sunday when I weigh in and measure to see what the damage has been over the last 2 weeks.

On another good note! I got my divorce papers in the mail yesterday. FREEEEEEEEEEEEDOM!!!!

Once I wait the 31 days after the 18th, then it will be completely official final, signed sealed and delivered. The date at that time will be April 17th, 2005 :D

I'm depressed.

2005-03-13T08:34:00.000-07:00

Well, to say I am upset, depressed and whatother negative descriptions for emotions you could come up with at the moment is an understatement.

It's week 4 photo and measure day for my second BFL challenge and it sucks.

This week I had two free days last weekend, one cheat meal mid week, and a cheat day yesterday. Today is my official cheat day, so more than likely I will cheat again today too. That is more cheat days than I had in my entire first challenge.

Needless to say the results show the damage.

Not only have I gone up in weight, body fat %, but also measurements. I am basically back where I started the beginning of Challenge 2 and have completely wasted these first 4 weeks. Now I am wondering why should I even bother.

I have gone through the entire range of emotions, from disappointment, to anger with myself, anger with my boyfriend, and now wallowing in self pity.

I look through the body for life tracker site, and I see such excellent results from people in 8-12 weeks. And I mean, a LOT better results than I am even halfway close to after 16 weeks. I still have a lot of fat - I LOOK fat. Am I doing something completely wrong, not working out hard enough - maybe I am just fooling myself that I will ever look anything like that.

I haven't had a week of cheat days the entire 16 weeks - so why is nothing improving? I know this week why my measurements went up. Maybe I should just accept myself the way I am now, and give up trying to get thin legs instead of living in celulite city.

And of course this is effecting the rest of my mood today. It's not just the weight or the fat, its the entire way I look. I hate my hair, I look old. I always wanted to be pretty, but I'll never be able to afford plastic surgery to improve myself in anyway, so that is not going to happen anyway.

I've really got nothing else to say today except, I think I'm just giving up.

C2 - W3 - D6

2005-03-12T12:28:00.000-07:00

Ohhh the pressure! Tomorrow is weigh, measure and photo day for me. Week 4 of my second BFL challenge.

While I know in my heart, I workout hard and eat well - I always worry at photo time that I won't see the changes I have been thinking I feel. That and my legs and butt are still had and wobbly *sigh*.

One of the girls from work showed up at the gym today just after I finished HIIT - so she did ab boot camp with me, and then I ended up doing a quazi-arm workout with her. I was mean, I made her lift heavier weights than she usually does. She would protest each time saying she hadn't done that before and couldn't but I nagged her, she did them ;) so who was right huh!

I am happy with the definition I am seeing in my arms. When I was doing hammer curls for biceps today I breezed through them. Usually I struggle on 20 lb dumbells, but today I was definately feeling stronger.

When I do my arms now I can see the muscles popping out everywhere, I just wish I could get the fat off my stomach and legs so they would do the same thing!

No real exciting plans for today, just finished up some customer service emails and about to take a nice soak in the bath. Been thinking about what yummy bad food I can have on my free day tomorrow - and Nachos is definately up there on the appeal ladder.

C2-W3-D5.

2005-03-11T08:31:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was Matt's mother's birthday, so we went to the Keg Steakhouse for dinner. I did pretty well sticking to the meal plan. Had smoked salmon with asparagus and a piece of bread. However I did have a piece of chocolate birthday cake :) Can't NOT have some of mother's birthday cake!

My knees were feeling kind of sore this morning because of the weather. So I decided to take it a bit easier on my leg workout today. I don't want to risk injuring myself at any stage and really not be able to workout at all. Eeeeek! I am still happy with the weights I did though even though I don't feel it as much now as I usually do.

I also did my split stretches this morning. WOW don't they feel just great after a leg workout. Since my legs were pretty warmed up anyway from the weights I was able to stretch a bit further than I was yesterday. For anyone that is interested, these are the stretches etc that I am doing: http://cheerleading.about.com/od/gymnasticsandtumbling/l/bl_splits.htm

I was reading some articles online that teaching yourself to do this can take months :( so maybe I should rethink my goal of being able to do it by the end of this Challenge. That is only 2 months away. What I may do, is actually keep aiming for that because you never know what you can do if you keep trying. If I don't make it, I won't be upset, I'll just keep working at it. And if I do make it, then I have reached another goal at the end of this 12 weeks.

When I woke up this morning I felt really bloated and heavy. I swore when I weighed myself I would be around the 128-129 mark again. However I was even less than I was yesterday, 125.5 lbs - I know, I shouldn't weigh myself daily, but it is the one bad habit I have left from my eating disorder days that I just have not been able to shake.

The only thing is now I do not let it get to me if the scale fluctuates.

Back on a working note - THANK GOD IT IS FRIDAY! I have been so bored at work lately it is just not funny. I have the entire week off at Easter and I cannot wait. We have no plans to go anywhere, but I really just need some time off. A nice long extended me time :)

I will probably end up doing cleaning and things around the house most of the time. It seems to be what I do now I have my own place.

I am really looking forward to spring/summer this year. My first year in my own house, so I can plant my own garden and do the backyard up. It's so exciting! *How domestic!* LOL. We want to cobblestone a good part of the backyard, re-shingle the roof, plant some perenials in the garden. I want to have some big pots of herbs around the patio setting. We also have to finish work on the garage doors - they currently have no springs and no garage door opener lol.

This weekend is week 4 for me - which means photo day. I am bit nervous about posting photos again. I know I have made progress, but what if I cannot see it? I do feel a lot better about myself, but will i be disappointed if I don't see the results I think I feel? Will that pull my mood down again? I am feeling so good about myself and life lately, that I am a bit apprehensive of doing something that could possibly damage that.

Is it a full moon?

2005-03-10T10:02:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Rod for pointing out my profile said I was man :P I'm not!

I had a strange and wonderful day at the gym this morning.

Firstly, I hve been attempting each week to shoulder press 2 x 25 lb dumbells. Each week I take them to my seat, and each week I haven't been able to get them over my head.Well today, I finally was able to get them up, and actually do 4 reps! Woohoo!

Then when I was walking past the gym manager this morning, she commented how envious she was of me because I was here every morning, and doing so well. She finds it hard to find time to actually workout by the time she finishes work.

Talk about a compliment! :D

Then - when I was doing my front lateral raises - there were these young musclebound guys in their early 20s working out near me. I am not sure whether or not they knew I could hear them, but they were talking about me.Saying how I used to be fat, and now I look 'half-decent' (from some young guys 10 years younger than me, I will take half decent lol).

And THEN, when I was picking up my gym bag to go tanning, there was a lady standing at the tables holding the BFL book and journal. She is there every morning, so today I smile and told her that is the program that I am on too.

She was amazed and commented how much better I was doing at it than her. She told me she loves the program, but has a lot of problems with the food. She doesn't have much in the way of willpower.I gave her some encouraging words (I did not want to get preachy), and let her know if I could do it anyone could.

THEN!!! I was getting ready for work in the locker room, and I put on one of my work suits. It fit a few weeks ago, but was still kind of clingy around the thighs. NOT TODAY! I saw myself in the mirror and saw not just thinner, but fit and skinny.

It is only 8.15am here - and my work day hasn't really started so it could get sucky from here lol, but I have to say, this morning has been one of the BEST days yet!I rarely get noticed by people that way and today was a really needed massive boost for my ego.

I also did my split stretching this morning, I am going to do these three times a day until I can finally do it. My legs feel so wonderful after stretching, I don't know why I did not do this before.

Challenge 2, Week 3, Day 3.

2005-03-09T18:10:00.000-07:00

Well another day is nearly over.

I had a good back and tricep workout today - was a bit nervous about exercising the triceps again after my little mishap last week (I pulled a muscle), but everything went really well.

I have made a few new goals today that I want to accomplish:

I want to be a comfortable size 2 before Matt's sister's wedding. This is in September, so I have a nice long comfortable time to meet this one.
I am going to learn to do the splits before the end this challenge.

I know the second one might seem a bit off the wall, but being able to do the splits was something I always wanted to do even as a little girl. I thought if I practice enough to be able to do this, it can only be a good thing right? Stretch those legs out and get them long and lean.

I found some sites online giving advice on how to stretch and learn how to do this - so fingers crossed I'll eventually get what I am working towards.

Let's get back into this again.

2005-03-08T17:20:00.000-07:00

So now I've decided to update my blog a bit more regularly, I might as well start doing it.

Today was another pretty dull day at work - I am so bored most days I feel like I am going to go out of my mind. Too much of my day is filled with meetings, getting ready for meetings, organising meetings, or writing reports for meetings.

I really hate meetings.

I am waiting for one of my helpers to get his logins for answering customer support emails for IGN. Now he's been promoted thanks to yours truly. I'm looking forward to having him work on the emails as well - help spread the workload out a bit.

I had two free days on the weekend instead of just one. That's what drinking on a Saturday night does to you. Then Sunday we ended up having chinese as well, so the whole weekend was out the window. I am pretty disappointed in myself for allowing that. I have made such great progress lately - I even hit my 124 lb mark one week early. I will be surprised if I am still at 124 this coming Sunday.

However, this Sunday is week 4 of my second challenge, so I might take some progress pictures and take a look from the outside as to how I am doing. Sunday is one of my favourite days of the week now, I love seeing how everyone from http://www.bfltracker.com is doing on their challenges, and most people update on Sundays.

I have decided that I am going to get another tattoo soon. I think on my foot just under my ankle. I found a nice design online http://www.tattoofinder.com/find_tattooDB.asp?pagePN=3&page=29 the one called Pure Innocence. I was thinking either getting 'Angel' put on it, or 'Matt'.

Ut ohhhh

2005-03-08T09:54:00.000-07:00

I haven't updated this in a really long time. I was using the blogger because I was feeling bad about myself. Now I want to use it because I am feeling good.

Anyway I am on my second BFL challenge now - and my goal is to look like I did in 2003.

This is what I looked like after my first challenge in 2003. This is what I want to look like in 8 more weeks, except maybe a bit more muscle definition and a better tan.

As of Saturday, March 6th, 2005.
Weight - 124.0 lbs - 20 lbs
Bodyfat % - 26.24 % - 12.46%
Neck - 12.25 + 0.25 inches
Chest - 32.5 - 3.5 inches
Biceps - 10.75 - 0.25 inches
Forearms - 8.8 - 1.2 inches
Hips - 38.5 - 5 inches
Waist - 25.5 - 5 inches
Thighs - 21.5 - 2.5 inches
Calves - 12.5 - 0.5 inches

Someone burgularized the Library offices.

2004-11-29T10:53:00.000-07:00

Yup - believe it or not.

Some lowlife scum went into the back offices of the library, broke into a bunch of filing cabinets.

They stole one of our cameras, someone's wallet, and cash out of someone else's purse.

About 3 of our new filing cabinets that we bought 2 years ago were broken, but luckily only paperwork that is valuable to us were in them.

I cannot believe there are people low enough to do something like that. We are a non-profit organisation, no one that works at the library earns very much money. The library itself doesn't make any sort of profit or turn over, and yet people do this.

You wouldn't believe how many people steal and vandalise books as well.

Society today is such a sad state of affairs.

Day 8 - This is week 2!

2004-11-29T10:47:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my free day, and I did very well all things considered. Even though I ate more calories and fat than I would have liked, we took the dogs for a 2 hour 20 minute walk which was a lot of exercise and even on my free day.

It was a sucessful week, and I lose lbs and inches, so I am very happy about that.

Today starts week 2, it started with a good leg workout, and at lunch time, I am GOING to go and stationary bike for about 30 minutes.

When I went to buy my shake from them this morning, she had made it up and I realised I had none of my interact cards on me. They were in my other jacket. Talk about embarassing! She is letting me pay for it tomorrow - but I will pay for it at lunch time when I go and do some cardio.

I wish Matt had not decided to cook such fatty rich foods for me on my free day. I know it IS a free day and all, but I don't want to go stupid on them, I want to eat good all day, and have one free meal that is not obscene. How am I suppose to make a radical change to my diet and life if Matt is still going to cook fattening foods for me?

Day 6

2004-11-27T10:23:00.000-07:00

Well, I managed to get out of bed and get to the gym on a Saturday morning, so I have to say I am very happy about that.

I also did 23 minutes extra cardio,l 10 minutes of abs, and went tanning. Overall a very good start for the day.

Not sure what we have planned for today, at the moment we are just watching Bridget Jones.

Day 5

2004-11-26T08:21:00.000-07:00

Had a BRILLIANT upper body workout today. Working out to music is completely different when it is your own music (not the pumped stuff at the gym). I hit 10s on every single group, and managed to go to at least what my last bfl lifting was.

My goal in 4 weeks is to up my weights to the hightest they have ever been. I would like more arm definition this time.

Matt made me sushi for dinner last night, as well as lunch today. He read through the Body for Life website for me, so he would know what I can and can't eat. As well, he gets more of an idea of what I want to achieve. It makes me feel good that he's taking the time to think of me on this.

Now I have to get started on Christmas presents. I am going to make my mother a photo album of photos I have of life here. (She's in Australia and I live in Canada now). I think she'd like that. However I have no idea what on Earth I am going to get Matt. I suggested a nice dartboard to his mother from them, since he was mentioning that he wanted to put a bar and dartboard in the basement sometime.

Body for Life

2004-11-25T20:05:00.000-07:00

I started doing another Body for Life challenge on Monday. I have done one previously, but got very lazy for about a year and gained about 30 lbs.

For the past 4 days I have been good, getting up early again to go to the gym, and eating clean. Matt has even been a bit supportive by making me sushi for dinner.

After I lose some weight, perhaps Ill post some before pictures, but at the moment I am so ashamed of them - that I won't even let Matt look at them.

As of Sunday, November 21st, 2004.

Weight - 144.0 lbs
Bodyfat % - 38.7 %
Neck - 12.0
Chest - 36.0
Biceps - 11.0
Forearms - 10.0
Hips - 43.5
Waist - 30.5
Thighs - 24.0
Calves - 13.0